Dear you -
The friend, or acquaintance, or even stranger who is going through a difficult time right now:
Whatever you actually are to me, can I call you my friend today?
By that, I don't mean that we will be besties or that we'll talk more often or more freely after this, or that we'll even talk at all.
I mean that we - you and I, whoever you may be - are both people who have been through (or are going through) some hard times. We both know what it is to feel scared, angry, hurt, grieved, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, and maybe even numb at times from having felt too much; and I wager that we both know what it's like to feel that those weights will never be lifted - that this thing, whatever it is, is too much. And it's easy to believe, when you feel this way, that no one else could possibly understand what you're going through; and so, it is easy to feel alone.
So today, I call you my friend, because I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I've been there, too. I was there this past week, and the week before that; and though the fog has lifted for today, I am sure I will find myself there again another day soon.
Did you know that there are at least 3 different types of difficult times? There are the ones with present difficult
circumstances (e.g. loss of a loved one, going through a divorce,
receiving a bad diagnosis, being let go from your job); and then there are the ones that seem to have no actual
cause, or if there is a cause, it is still unknown (e.g. undiagnosed
clinical depression or anxiety, repressed memories); and finally, there
are the ones that surface or resurface from your past that don't actually change your reality, but simply change
your perception of that reality (e.g. learning that you were adopted, realizing that
you were abused as a child, finding out that your spouse cheated on you years prior).
At a glance, one kind may seem
like it should be the worst or taken more seriously than the other two; but all three kinds - present
bad circumstances, yet-unrealized bad circumstances, and past bad circumstances that resurface or finally surface - these are all just as
real and just as hard, and they are all felt just as deeply by the ones affected; and so we should be very careful not to compare our difficult times with anybody else's, regardless of whether we think them more severe or less.
For myself, my current difficult time is not a result of any change in circumstances; I simply became aware of something I
wasn’t aware of before, and that has made all the difference.
After
divulging what was going on inside my head/heart to both my husband and
a close friend, I shared with them that I now feel weak and stupid in
light of what had recently surfaced from my past - weak because I didn't
stand up for
myself at the time, and stupid because I had made it so far into life oblivious to this past detail of my reality. My friend reminded me that I
am still exactly who I was
before I knew those things; I was strong then (which was exhibited in
other ways), and I am still strong
now. And my husband reassured me that I am one of the smartest people he
knows.
What
you feel about yourself isn't always the truth. Sometimes
it takes the people closest to you - the people who know you well - to
remind
you of what is really true about yourself (and other things), despite
the way you feel. This is one of the reasons that I believe so strongly
in the importance of having open, honest communication with other people
about what's going on in your life - even in the worst of times. When left to our own evaluation of ourselves, we prove to be the harshest, most unfair of critics.
Another
reason I think it is important to share with other people when we are
struggling is because that openness and honesty can be so empowering to
others. In his book People of the Second Chance, Mike Foster wrote,
"... we should never be ashamed of how our story fits. We should never hide the words, characters, scenes, and cliff-hangers that make up our stories of grace. We rob each other of sacred friendship when we delete moments, erase characters, or censor the scandalous parts. But when we share them honestly, we help others breathe easier about whatever stories they have inside. I think this is success in life. These are holy moments."
There isn't a part of my life that somebody else
does not know - at least not intentionally; but there are some parts
that only some know, and I think there is wisdom in that. This - what I'm walking through right now - is one of
those parts. In the same book, Mike Foster went on to write,
"Whatever your story looks like, you have the right to tell it and talk about it however you want. There can be parts that are sacred ... You should never be forced to disclose them."
I'm
not going to share the details of what I'm walking through right now,
because they are personal. If I don't bring it up with
you on my own, that's probably because I don't want to talk with you about it; so
please don't ask me to share. I don't need everyone beside me as I walk
through this; I just need my people, and I have them. I am grateful for my husband and those friends who have listened more than they've spoken, though not neglecting truths that needed to be said, and who have simply sat with me in my brokenness; and for others whom I know would gladly do the same. These friends are treasures - gifts from God.
If, like me, you had a difficult week last week, or you're going through something hard right now, I hope you also had/have
good friends to help get you through it. And if you’re thinking to
yourself, "I don’t
have any good friends," I hope you find them soon. And if you're
clueless where to begin with that, to quote Zig Ziglar,
"If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."
Another friend of mine, who knew I was struggling last week without knowing (or asking for) the details, shared
this with me from a book she's been reading by Ann Voskamp:
"Feelings are meant to be fully felt and then fully surrendered to God. Remember who you were before you felt those feelings... and how God felt, still feels, about you. You are His Beloved. You aren't your brokenness."
What
a beautiful reminder! I am not my brokenness, though I am so broken
right now. I am more than my brokenness, and so are you.
Whatever hard times you are going through right now, remember this:
You are
not the sum of your present difficult circumstances (or the ones yet-unrealized or now realized from your past). There was a before in your story,
and there will be an after; and even in the now, you are still so much more than those
things.
