Keep on Standing

In the past 24 hours alone, I've gone from frustrated, to scared, to depressed, to anxious, back to depressed, then to angry, to rageful, to sorrowful, and back to depressed again... all the while, crying out to God and declaring (and trying to believe) truths that have felt anything but true.

And can I be real with you? No amount of declaring that God is good and loving and faithful and present and strong and mighty to save made any of those things seem any more true; despite all my declarations, He still felt just as unjust, unloving, unfaithful, distant, weak, and unable (or perhaps unwilling) to come to the rescue as He had before.

It was a battle, and a discouraging one at that. And more than once, throughout the day, I thought about not fighting anymore - I thought about just giving into my doubts and fears, because frankly, they seemed more real and more powerful than my faith. But, by the grace of God, I continued to stand my ground.

Feeling overwhelmed and needing to find a healthy release for my emotions, I picked up a pencil and my guitar, and I began to jot out an honest prayer in the form of song. These were the words that spilled out onto the page...

 

Verse 1

When I can't see Your face anymore
If You've not gone away, then have I gone astray?

Oh search my heart and know me, Lord

When I can't feel You here anymore

I'll remember what's true

You are faithful, and as I wait upon You

My joy will be restored

 

Chorus 1a

Oh --

I will sing Your praise within the valley

Oh, I'll shout it louder, here

I will sing Your name

You're strong and mighty

You're the One who renders all my fears

Powerless and weak

When I believe You're here with me

So God, help my unbelief

Verse 2

My God, my faith is weakening

This trial's lasting for days

And all but laid me to waste

When will You come and - and rescue me?

Till then, I'll stand my ground

And having done all I can 

In Your name, I'll still stand

And declare that You've never let me down

 

(Chorus 1a)

 

Chorus 1b

I will sing You're praise within the valley

Oh, I'll shout it louder, here 

I will sing of -

Jesus, strong and mighty!

The One who's slaying all my fears!

 

(Chorus 1a)

And I can't tell you exactly when; but somewhere in the writing and singing and declaring truth in song, though the circumstances around me hadn't (and still haven't) changed - that battle ceased, the rage within me stilled, and I was filled with an overwhelming peace that can only be explained by a God who is in fact good and loving and faithful and present and strong and mighty to save... a God who does answer the cries of His children.

Today was a battle, as have been many days, lately. I wish I could say that wasn't so. I wish I could say that my faith is never shaken, or that life is easier; but I can't. The reality is, this life can be unbelievably hard at times; and if you only knew how prone I am to doubt and question and backpedal, you might even question my faith entirely.

But I do believe... just sometimes, I also don't. Have you been there? You're in good company. But when we bring the paradox of our faith and our doubts to Him, honestly, He helps our unbelief. Remember that, even "if we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself" (2 Timothy 2:13, ESV).

So if your present circumstances have you struggling to believe God's truths tonight, stand firm. Keep on declaring, even if you have to declare it like the father in Mark 9 who came to Jesus, desperate but doubting, and proclaimed, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" He is good and loving and faithful and present and strong and mighty to save... and He hears your cries. So, keep on standing.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." - Ephesians 6:10-13 (NIV)